tip your wings with gold

Back. Resolutions for rest of summer: Be more unafraid in talking to people. Eye contact. Relax. Go...

Thu, 24 May 2012 15:13:20 -0400

Back.

Resolutions for rest of summer:

Be more unafraid in talking to people. Eye contact. Relax. Go with flow. Be not afraid of saying stupid things. Learn to be less of a misfit in society.
Churn out at least 1 piece of art - sketch, photoshop, writing or otherwise - daily.
Try some new activity.
Exercise at least thrice a week - biking is most ideal.
Love more. Learn more. Work harder.
Kick ass at internship.

sometimes

Sun, 20 May 2012 01:33:09 -0400

All you really need is to be flirted with a little, even if it’s some short 50 year old guy who can play a mean guitar.

Was wandering around the Queens pier, whatever it’s called, drinking in the loveliness of the Manhattan skyline for one of the last few times, and the music being strummed by 2 cute guys and 1 dude on a bench, when they stopped and said dude on bench wandered over and started talking to me. And flirting with me. And okay, it’s been so goddamn long since any guy paid the slightest of interest in me; and everyone here is so goddamn attractive while every single guy my age won’t even glance twice because there are a million hotter girls just a few steps away that I just let him flirt. And stare at my red lips a lot. And flirt some more, and bask in what I presume was my exoticness, and my “accent”, and my wide eyed wonder at NYC. And I knew I could’ve slept with him, easy peasy. He was dying for it. And I would’ve? Except I felt absolutely no physical attraction or otherwise to him. I mean. He was nice. And my first time with a guy who clearly wouldve worshipped the chance to sleep with a younger chick probably wouldve been enjoyable. Maybe. But I just felt revulsion at the thought of sleeping with someone I’m completely unattracted to. Not the biggest revelation in the century, but it’s - healthy, I suppose, to realize that even I have limits.

lounging around nekkid in the house before housemates get back pretending i own this place looking...

Fri, 18 May 2012 22:14:37 -0400

lounging around nekkid in the house before housemates get back

pretending i own this place

looking out on the new york skyline

can i stay?

I never want to leave. I can be a different person here. I can...

Tue, 15 May 2012 00:48:11 -0400

I never want to leave.

I can be a different person here. I can be a million different people here. Where the people feel alive, where the coffee is exquisite, where the girls are gorgeous and the boys are to die for. Where something new explodes in every corner. Where broadway is a walk away and beautiful bookstores a few steps after that. Where everyone is. Where everything happens.

I hate that exact moment you start to acclimatise to the shock of a place and realise you never want to leave. The thought that I’ll only be here for a few more days before I’m dragged screaming back to the land of a million hellholes is almost completely unbearable.

I’ll miss the metro. I’ll miss the bridge. I’ll miss the ache in my legs from walking every god damn where. I’ll miss the constant refrain of the police horn. I’ll miss the open smiles from strangers instead of that guilty, averted gaze. I’ll miss the shops, the books, the fascinating people. I’ll miss knowing that so many Somebodies live so nearby. I’ll miss broadway So Much. I’ll miss being able to get up ad wander around someplace completely new. I’ll miss feeling independent for once. I’ll miss feeling like there’s more to life than the hole I live in.

I’m scared I’ll revert back to the routine of holing up daily in my room, by my computer, talking to almost noone, hating myself and my lack of a future. Oh god. Anything but that.

I must remember this. That there is so much to life. That Other People are not to be feared. That life is there to be lived. That laziness doesn’t and will never pay. That I am young, and I still. Have. Time.

In NY, just got reminded that my results are out tomorrow and I know from the bits of grades already...

Thu, 10 May 2012 22:23:23 -0400

In NY, just got reminded that my results are out tomorrow and I know from the bits of grades already released that I’m definitely not going to do very well and I feel absolutely horrible about even being here suddenly while my parents work their asses off at home and oh god all I want is a hug from my mom.

i am

Thu, 10 May 2012 00:34:07 -0400

in New York for the first time in my life and I feel overwhelmed and very, very small and I don’t know how to talk to these people with these big voices and these confidence and I - forgot that the city of my dreams has been a reality of its own for so long and I am terrified but I am also excited (I think) and I miss home, and I’m scared I won’t love this place and I’m scared I’ll love it too much and ahhhh

actually.

Mon, 30 Apr 2012 17:38:46 -0400

well i should be doing my paper now but i really need to type, to write, to remind myself that i do have a voice in my head and that it is coherent and human and semi interesting and uniquely, familiarly me or i will go crazy.

day umm 4? i think? away from home in this environment that so alien but so startlingly familiar because thank you, oversaturation of american media familiarising me to an degree almost beyond that of my own damn country at times. we are doing. a lot. of damn travelling. i officially hate travelling - planes buses probably trains, but i haven’t had the misfortune of sampling the last just yet. i fully expect that time will come once i arrive in new york.

i am - doing that thing where i have absolutely no fucking clue what to say in social situations. i know i should just. relax, and follow the flow of conversations but there are moments where i just freeze up and the knowledge that the other party already thinks of me as some sort of boring weirdo, with whom she’s just with to be nice and because it’s semi convenient just. builds up in my head until it builds a horrible mental block and makes me stammer worse than ever; and it gets to the point where i weirdly feel i have to maintain being that weird because otherwise the person will feel im.. even weirder? liking oter people better? trying to flirt? god i’m paranoid as hell. is there anyone else as fucking apranoid, as fucking tongue tied as i am?

i am trying to just fake it til i make it but sometimes it’s just way easier said than done. then i just feel like curling up into a ball somewhere and pretending the rest of the world doesnt exist. and giving up attempting to make conversation when every attempt is met with a noncommittal noise; when with others its met with laughter and easy flow and asdjfajkdsbf i miss home, i wish i wish i knew how to communicate with humans, it’s so fucking painful being in this state.

stop giving yourself neuroses live in the moment stop overthinking do what actually needs to be...

Sun, 15 Apr 2012 13:04:57 -0400

stop giving yourself neuroses

live in the moment

stop overthinking

do what actually needs to be done

read wider

Freud's Last Session

Sat, 14 Apr 2012 10:32:07 -0400

CS Lewis: What were we thinking? Trying to solve the world’s greatest mystery in one morning – it’s madness.
Freud: Only greater madness is not to think of it at all.

This year (especially) I feel like somewhere along th way I lost (or worsened) my ability to be a...

Fri, 13 Apr 2012 15:05:00 -0400

This year (especially) I feel like somewhere along th way I lost (or worsened) my ability to be a friend. Or even a human, with human relationships, in real human time, interacting properly. Not hurting people. Building meaningful new bonds. My old ones have rusted over - some still thankfully salvageable; others feeling like they’ve moved on to better things and have no time to bother with me. I just feel. Like I’ve regressed. And I don’t know I don’t know how to deal.

words

Fri, 13 Apr 2012 05:52:19 -0400

i hate it when i have nothing to say to make people feel better. words are cheap, actions mean everything (i suppose) but sometimes it feels words are all i have, and when it’s not enough, when i look across and see someone hurting because of my words, and i can’t undo the damage with any amount of words; or at least don’t know how to - god, why even give us the gift of speech? Every day you fail to be real with yourself and other people make the struggle ever more uphill

reminder to self

Fri, 13 Apr 2012 04:56:12 -0400

if it doesn’t concern you, DO NOT GET INVOLVED. you end up hurting the feelings of everyone else in the meantime, and feel like crap afterwards.

fuck, being a girl is such a mess.

Jealousy Happens

Thu, 12 Apr 2012 06:50:02 -0400

najmetender:

You can either belittle, undermine and criticize others or yourself or you can deal with the fact and try, always try to be better.

Its a complicated emotion that’s somewhere near to but not quite at the core of quarter-life crises. Hovering nearby the search for stability, achievement and self discovery, of course.

My wedding cake.

Thu, 12 Apr 2012 05:15:33 -0400

My wedding cake.

If it were possible to have a crush on a TV network, I pick BBC.

Thu, 12 Apr 2012 04:36:25 -0400

If it were possible to have a crush on a TV network, I pick BBC.

be so good they can't ignore you

Wed, 11 Apr 2012 04:12:00 -0400

And so another rejection. I mean okay, the email hasn’t come just yet, but if my friend received her acceptance 2 hours ago and there’s still nothing in my inbox, and I know that there were so few who applied.. Doesn’t take a genius.

Rejection after rejection after rejection, this year. I know we’re not supposed to dwell on these things, but I haven’t really, if I really had I think I’d’ve gone crazy by now. Only one miserable acceptance that yes I know I have to make the most of.

I’m - trying to stop myself from saying the words, I feel worthless, because if I actually do that’d just reinforce it, of course, and god knows the reason I’m not getting a lot of these is because I fucked up anyway, and even while doing/applying for the things I wasn’t giving it my all but knowing I deserved it doesn’t make me feel any better; because it feels like I just don’t know how to give anything my everything.

WORK HARDER GDI GURL. STOP MAKING EXCUSES.

OH

Wed, 11 Apr 2012 03:25:59 -0400

My babydarling cat is missing. And I’m distressed....

Tue, 10 Apr 2012 16:46:00 -0400

My babydarling cat is missing. And I’m distressed. It’s 5am and I walked a little around my estate making kitty-call sounds and calling his name, but there was no reply. I’m worried; because my neighbours are legit demons who tried to bring my cats to the SPCA to be put down; who successfully poisoned my cats; who ran down my cats in front of my eyes. I’ve had around 20 cats in the course of 10 years and they’ve all gone. At this point in time I have 3, and Tigger is one of them.

I tried not getting too attached to these 3, because they wander out of the house all the time and I just know that they’d go missing at some point. But oh god, not this darling. He’s the strangest cat I’ve known, he’s not cocky like cats are supposed to me, he’s cowering and terribly shy and slow to trust. He’s cowardly but horribly loving and he’ll stay in your lap if he knows you for as long as you want. And god, I’m so stressed and it’s so late timewise tonight and to study for my goddamn finals and I’m crying because I can’t stand the thought of my baby terrified somewhere just because he tried to trust someone too much. Oh god.

wordsandturds started following you <3

Tue, 10 Apr 2012 13:31:11 -0400

wordsandturds started following you

words & turds: it’s very funny and beautiful to see people come out of the woodwork...

Tue, 10 Apr 2012 13:20:00 -0400

words & turds: it’s very funny and beautiful to see people come out of the woodwork...:

wordsandturds:

it’s very funny and beautiful to see people come out of the woodwork to support you. in asking for my emo blog url (which i know i’ve been really bad at responding to, i promise i’ll get to it when i catch up on my reading) i’ve discovered so many [visible and invisible] strings that connect me to…

It was these thoughts exactly that were driving me completely insane, actually. I was literally fighting a battle trying to shut that little voice judging everything about the girls around me, and about myself, through the lens of the male gaze - if there’s anything, anything that would ever convince me of how pervasive that disease is, I only need to listen to that voice. And then try to silence it again, as hard as I can.